After the divorce on the journey of recovery, one of the sizzling things to consider is moving forward in relationships. So this is inevitably two things at anytime: fear and neurotic anticipation. So I’ve experienced both, put the fire out on each, spent more time alone and now am ready to move forward…at a snails pace. After you get divorced, it’s not enough that you are wearing the Big D on your head, and no I’m not talking about Dallas, but 100 people have 1000 things to say. Note to self, when a close friend or anyone for that matter goes through a divorce and you find yourself in the I don’t know what to say place, say nothing or say, “if you need anything, let me know” and be done with it.
My close friends immediately had comments concerning my dating and relationships moving forward. I have a list of requests from blood test and credit check result copies, let’s examine him vacations, free professional counseling, and water boarding interrogations. As I grow and continue to allow God to heal wounds and expose the secret areas of my heart, I begin to realize that I’m different. Let me clarify: different, a statistic, an arm’s length from 30, single, and emerging with new life. I’ve been told countless times, too many to count that what I want is a secular relationship. I disagree. Last week my good friend told me if all I really wanted was a pancake, well then to just go enjoy the pancake. As I would always leave these conversations feeling like I was indeed off as usual, I couldn’t help but to think that something was missing. And when you actually encounter rocks thrown through your glass window, you actually would prefer people to assist with the unnerving task of explaining how it doesn’t happen again. However, few have been able to do that. I’m not sure anyone can.
As I spent time alone, snorkeling among my hearts deepest desires, my love revelation began to develop. I was fed up with some of the ridiculous statements my single friends would tell me. Regardless of that, I am results oriented and I was like…then why don’t you show me an example of a successful relationship that you’ve had and then I can draw some great pointers from it. I didn’t get anything because they didn’t exist. I think some single Christians, specifically the 25-45 group, have an immature understanding of relationships and marriage. I know with women a lot has to do with culture, “you can be anything” motto from our mother’s generation, and our mother’s coping from being the first to experience divorce in an insurmountable number and teaching us how not to depend upon a man. Who puts snoozing facts in their diary? Now on to Mr. Maybe.
Courtnee Scott is a brand. Accurate, appealing, and authentic. In my bare bones I desire to exude excellence, endurance, and excitement. I remind myself of Bugatti 
You can take it out muddin’, trash that sucker, but at its core its built with precision, has the best performance, and is desired by those with discriminative taste. Courtnee Scott and Bugatti are not for everyone. I’ve written thousands of times about how much I love love. I believe in the truth of love with every fiber of my being. Now for a moment, lets take romantic love out of the picture. My single world is involved with a bunch of Mr. Maybes. Maybe being a title and not something I ponder for any serious length of time. Relationship- and again I am not talking about romantic, I keep stressing this because it’s so hard to have any type of conversation with a Christian that they don’t automatically assume a dating one- for me is about celebrating the strengths and passions of another person. It’s about recognizing the different qualities in yourself and being able to mirror to another person through visibility and understanding, their difference. For me that means a combination of admiration, empathy, sympathy, compassion and affection. I do not have to be romantically in love with you to give or receive this. My self concept is that I am one fully desirable to be seen and accepted completely where I am.
Love is based on realism. Where I am right now. Humans evolve and change. I want relationships that encourage my growth and development and that do not try to box me in or hinder my growth based on perceptions. I am to the point of vomiting when I have these discussions about “the one”. So many of us say that we do not believe that there is one divinely created mate for us somewhere on the other side of Malawi thinking of us right now like we are thinking of them, hoping for that moment to meet during a layover in O’Hare and realize that all this time they were waiting of God as well. BUT- so many of us live our lives like- God’s just gonna do it. So my question is, you believed God for your job, career, home, or children right? But in the process, if you needed a job I’m sure you submitted applications, if you needed a home you sought out properties and reviewed your credit. If God requires actions and process in all of that, why do we think that relationships and love are any different? I personally think we are deceived by ourselves. But what do I know besides all of the 25-45 year old singles who are just “waiting” on God and believing He’s going to do it all while not developing any type of honest personal development or relationship skills.
What’s important for me is to experience and enjoy all the moments both pretty and putrid. I can desire to be apart of your life and journey, have a willingness to grow with you, allow areas in my heart to be cultivated WITHOUT Forever Road. I have a severe difficulty of taking you seriously when coffee was just that, coffee, but I can’t have a conversation with you because I see you already sizing me up to see if I fit in the car on your Forever Road. It’s a great feat when we allow our presumptions of what relationships and love will be and dismiss others because they do not fit into our untested fantasy. Note **fantasy**, I thought relationships were real? Relationships, regardless of romantic, change and evolve. I will not be the same woman I am in 5 years that I am today. Do you have the ability to grow with me and exchange an environment that encourages it? Can you nurture this relationship when you realize that has to be mature and not based on feeling?
Mr. Maybe I see you, enjoy you, and accept you as you are. Relationships are based on realism and the desire I have is to watch you emerge, shine, and flourish in all your uniqueness. Mr. Maybe, you are Mr. Maybe because I am not a woman that will size you up to fit in my Forever Road. Forever Road is a place that during this celebration, that includes: times of separation, individual development, but lots of honest truth communication, will only be built if we CHOOSE it. I have no preconceived calculations based upon where we will be in 6 months, nor can I see myself after 3 encounters spending the rest of my life with you. What I see are a lot of great moments, experiences, and visibility of who we are individually and what our relationship can be. All relationships can be something even if it was one moment and a choice to spend the rest of your life apart. Mr. Maybe I see you, when you remove Forever Road out of your eyes to embrace me where I am, you will see me too.
In His Service,
God’s Holy Handmaiden
P.S Beware Mr. Maybes–my experiences are diary blogged
Nice! You are not alone in how yoou feel…….
thank you…there are many days I have to check and make sure the contents of my brain are still in place