Sundays have consistently been trying and difficult for me since the beginning of the year. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the 7th day or what but never the less as great as they get, I can always anticipate a “dealing” with. I have a true heart for service. It keeps me up at night, I can talk to you all day about it, my heart beats for it. As I continue to put that x-ray of my heart to the light, I still see its there. It is selfishness. Don’t be deceived by the fiction novel you can pen and the truth that you feel. Love has become my complete obsession and God not withholding any good thing from me 
continues to put the spot light on my mess so that I can honestly move forward if I absolutely desire change.
I want to create a home that is a nest without thorns. I long to treasure and protect the solitude of my mate. My passion is to protect, strengthen, encourage, and pull out the king in that man. When the day has grown long, my heart is the refuge that shortens it…and then came this evening, the broadening of the Love Revelation. All of that is beautiful and warm, but not it or enough. I have to come to a place where I make the decision to love the life force in a man. Whatever gives him power to live has to be my complete obsession. I have to find the power of God in him and love it entirely. So if he is coal miner, it’s not sufficient that I support him by packing his lunch and leaving a love sonnet on a napkin. I have to ask if there is a hat in my size and make that coal mine my life. And if I can’t go in the mine, I have to get as close to him in it as I can. If he a musician and travels the world, his world and travels become mine. Not my ability to wait and create a life for him, but to make his life mine, for it to become one. I thought about a young entrepreneur friend who just moved to a large city to revamp his brand, he calls it his manifest destiny. He is in a relationship and I thought, hmm, now how is that one going to play out. I then realized it’s not about geography, time, or frequency. If a man’s life involves 18 hour days, it is not about patience for when the grind ends and we can be together. I have to love that grind as much as he does. I will have to respect and never question how he chooses to spend his time regarding his callings. I have to crave to be his apprentice. It’s simple, we choose life or death daily. I want a man who LIVES and more than that, I have to love what gives that man life more than I desire to create a life for him.
The selfishness exposed in this love revelation is yes service and love are synonymous but it’s not suitable for me to create a dream for two by trying to construct what I feel is a happy life. Devotion is not enough, there has to be a marriage of his mission and my thirst. What you need to live may include long nights, tired mornings, little time at home, or unusual solitude. But oh honey, I understand now that this is a relationship principle, not specific to religion or belief. I have to fall in love with what you love, what keeps you up at night, what you talk about all day, what all of your time and money are invested in. Your dreams are my dreams and as we grow and have a family, your children will understand and love what daddy does, without question, just like mommy.
A note from a fellow woman who hungered passionately to serve:
But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.” (Ruth 1: 16 & 17, NIV)
In His Service,
God’s Holy Handmaiden
Amen to that sista! I live by this same principle, and it has gotten me in trouble because the more you immerse yourself in his vision, the easier it is to lose yourself and he becomes everything. My heart still bleeds for the man that I gave so much to. We were friends-very close friends and I don’t know what else…it was complicated. His vision for youth matched mine and I became his constant encourager, motivator, cheerleader…etc. He had a coaching event and as a photographer, I took pictures and created inspirational quotes to inspire him to do that much more for the kids. But, our “relationship/friendship what ever you want to call it” (his words for what we had) got too emotionally charged and complicated, and I walked away very hurt. So, I would say to any woman, to not give away your pearls (I’m not talking about sex) before a true marriage commitment is made. Never give yourself to his vision 100 percent until he gives his life to you in marriage. That is what I have learned as a single woman. Love, selflessness and devotion have to be measured out, and not given all at once (while dating).
U woman are the QUEEN. Thank you for sharing as always. What I’m learning in this “meantime” (as a twitter friend called it) is that the writings on our heart are so similar. I wish we would be open and create dialogue to discuss it. It would so strengthen relationships…in all stages. I want to talk with YOU on handmaidenlive RADIO.